Dating » LIFE ON SUGARBERRY

Suddenly Single Just hasn't met him yet...

Apr 242011

It had been almost a year but I can still remember the single tear that slid slowly down my cheek that night as I drove home from my disappointing date with Moped Ted. It wasn’t that the date was worthy of shedding any tears. After all, I had nothing invested in Ted other than a few silly emails and a little bit of hope. But it was a night like that, where expectations were so high and they crashed and burned so quickly that I started to doubt myself and my unexpected situation. I didn’t exactly plan on being a 30-something divorcee.

When my boyfriend proposed and slid the shiny diamond on my finger I certainly was not imagining how that ring would taunt me from my jewelry box long after I stopped wearing it every day. Nor was I thinking about which pictures I would put on my new online dating profile. Instead I breathed a sigh of relief and thought, ‘Finally!’ “I am secure. I’ll never be single again, never have to go to a party or wedding alone, again!” I felt like a legit adult with a man that loved me enough to make it legal and as an added bonus I now had an emergency contact that wasn’t blood related. I had arrived!

The reality of my unexpected single status smacked me in the face when only a few short years later I ended up on a date with a short and T-Shirt wearing, moped driving, coca cola drinking guy who stared at my boobs all night!! It was a little discouraging. Thankfully, my pity party lasted only a few moments. My iPod shuffled to Michael Buble’s “I just haven’t met you yet”, (my anthem since becoming single), and my hopeful outlook returned. By the time I was home I was laughing and texting my girlfriends about the ridiculous date.

The next day, I missed a call from Ted who was asking me out again. He wanted to take me to lunch. In a half an hour! Talk about short notice! Thankfully when I returned the call that evening I was able to leave the “thanks but I think we are better off as friends” message. Ted was history and it was time to do what I was getting really good at; dust myself off and move forward.

Later that evening, I received a POF email from Miguel. He was a 39 year old part time personal trainer and full time sales representative for a pharmaceutical company. He was 5’10” with a great body, (according to his photos), and a nice smile. Although our emails were polite, there definitely wasn’t the same easy banter I had experienced with Ted. If anything I was a little bored. However, seeing how Ted “gave great email” and was such a dud in person I thought maybe Miguel would be the opposite so I continued our “conversation” for a few weeks. I wasn’t ready to jump into another date just yet.

I typically avoid a pre date phone call it if at all possible. They can be awkward and nerve wracking. But Miguel had been pestering me for 3 weeks and I finally gave in and emailed him my number. Based on our boring emails, I had low expectations for the call. But I figured I’d let the first phone call be the determining factor of whether or not I wanted to meet him in person. I felt a twinge of nervousness when the phone rang, but I was pleasantly surprised by his deep voice. The happy surprises continued as he was actually funny and a bit silly. Before long we were both laughing and sharing bad dating stories. We spent 40 minutes on the phone that night and by the end of the conversation we had decided to meet in person. We set a date for the following week.

We continued to text each other throughout the week. It wasn’t constant but just enough contact every day that let me know at the very least we were both interested. I was beginning to get excited about meeting in person. As we got closer to the day of our meeting, he started to be overly flirty which I thought was strange considering we hadn’t met yet but I decided to let it slide. Then, something odd happened. The day before we were supposed to meet he sent me a picture via text, and my jaw hit the floor. It was a picture of what I had to imagine was him-It was only a picture of his torso. He had an incredibly toned, muscular body, but I had to wonder WTF he was thinking. We hadn’t even met yet. This was weird right? It got weirder when he requested that I send him a picture, of my “booty”. He wanted a picture of my ASS. Um, no. I did not send the picture! I only wish I had the same sense about not going on the date…

Suddenly Single runs into Moped Ted

Dating Diaries 4 Responses »

Mar 202011

I’ve never been a quitter. A procrastinator certainly, but never a quitter. However, the on line dating game had me asking myself if I should hang up my heels and cuddle up next to Duke, my Pit Bull. It had only been a few months but I had been through three guys, some definite blows to my ego and I was no closer to a man in my life. So I made a bold decision. I would go on a hiatus from dating and focus on myself, my sanity and my health.

I began running on the weekends with a training team and on my own during the week. Slowly, but surely I built up my strength, endurance and self-esteem. I was focusing on myself for the first time in a long while. My muffin top started to dissipate and I was feeling good. I didn’t even log into the dating sites for several months.

Finally, after regaining some balance in my life I decided it was time to go fishing again. In my experience, just logging on and searching profiles for a while is a sure fire way to get some attention. I can only assume that men check to see who’s on line and put their energy there. Within a few minutes I was exchanging emails with Ted. The silly conversations were flowing effortlessly and I enjoyed his sense of humor and our back and forth exchange. We quickly learned we were born only 2 days apart, both had a Pit Bull and loved the water. Not a bad start. I definitely don’t have a “type” but I do prefer taller men. He was 6ft tall, a definite plus! I couldn’t tell from his foggy picture, (the only one on his profile), what he looked like beyond dark hair and a moderately attractive face, but the witty back and forth banter of our emails made me want to meet him regardless.

After about a week of “talking” via email, he asked me out. We decided to meet for happy hour on the coast. As is typical for a first date, my stomach was churning with a mixture of nerves and excitement the few hours before we were to meet. After frantically “wiping off the work day” in the office bathroom and changing into date appropriate attire; a scoop tank top, jeans, heels and a thin sweater, I raced through rush hour traffic to attempt an on time arrival. By 5:50, I was still sitting bumper to bumper on the freeway and it was obvious that I was not going to make it. I wanted to be considerate so I sent him a quick text letting him know I’d be a few minutes late.

I arrived a little after six to find him waiting outside. He was VERY casually dressed in a white T-shirt, shorts and flip flops. It is San Diego, and it was a beautiful day, but I still was slightly disappointed by his lack of effort. He greeted me with a big smile and said “Wow! You look beautiful!” Ok. Maybe shorts aren’t that bad. He was cute and seemed friendly so I was still feeling hopeful.
We headed upstairs to the patio. When the waitress came by I quickly ordered the margarita on special. He ordered a coke. A little alarm in my head sounded. I blurted out, “Wow you make me feel like the alchie.” He looked me dead in the eye and very seriously replied “Well are you?”

Whoa. Where was the funny guy I’ve been emailing for a week?? And weren’t we at “Happy Hour?” AWKWARD!!

He then proceeded to tell me that he did drink, but not on the nights he drives his moped. The alarm sounded even louder now and I went from being excited to coaching myself to just get through the next hour or two. There was still time for things to get better.

Unfortunately, it only got worse.

He thanked me for sending a text to let him know I was running late, but explained that he’d prefer a phone call in the future as he did not have texting on his phone plan and it was $0.25 per text. Wow! I came close to tossing him a few dollars to cover the “damages” and decided I better stick to one drink. I might end up paying for that as well!

For the next 45 minutes he droned on and on about himself, never once pausing to ask about me. The amusing man from the emails was MIA and I was bored … sober. I struggled to remain conscious, feigning interest in his endless rambling. He slurped his coke down quickly- apparently riding a moped makes a man thirsty- and ordered a refill while I fidgeted with the straw in my nearly empty margarita glass trying to will it to magically refresh itself. Was this really the same guy I had been emailing all week?

Gradually I began to notice that his eyes were wandering. At first I thought I was being hyper-sensitive but then it became more and more obvious that he was staring at my chest. It started as glances every few seconds and then on the rare occasions when he actually asked me a question or allowed me to talk he blatantly stared directly into my cleavage. A small, VERY small part of me wondered if I should be flattered for the ability to so effectively distract a completely sober man, but mostly I was just repulsed and ready to leave!

Finally, he stopped talking long enough to slurp down his second coke and I saw my chance. I glanced at my phone, used the old “I have an early morning meeting” excuse and made my escape. Perhaps I had gotten back in the game too soon…

Suddenly Single leaves a lasting impression...

Dating Diaries 5 Responses »

Dec 122010

At my age most women already have children, or they’re trying to have them. I was 34, going through a divorce, childless (in the traditional sense), and all of my maternal energy was channeled into my beloved dog Duke. Mothers have a primal need to protect their young and I felt like an abysmal failure. First, I had married a man who merely tolerated dogs and easily left both of us. He didn’t even try to negotiate custody or sporadic visitation with Duke. Then, I had invited Hair Pants into my home and locked Duke up behind a gate on the very day my ex had left. He was confused and bewildered as he watched some strange man fumble around on top of his mommy. It’s as if I didn’t even consider him in my filtering process. This insanity had to stop.

I began narrowing my focus to men who were dog lovers. Luckily, I still had plenty of options. San Diego is an extremely dog friendly town filled with dog beaches, parks and even restaurants that allow you to dine with your pooch. Within days I found myself exchanging intriguing emails with DoggieLova4U and sharing intimate details about the loves of our lives: my Pit Bull mix Duke and his Black Lab Brinkley.

It seemed that we clicked on many levels, and I couldn’t wait to meet in person to see if the chemistry translated. He suggested that we have a foursome- a date with our two dogs. We planned to meet in Coronado and take the “kids” for a walk while we got to know each other. I had to laugh; Duke and I were basically going on a double date. It was perfect!

I wasn’t used to wearing flip flops on a first date, but you can’t exactly walk your dog in stilettos, so I had little choice. I put on my best casual/cute out fit, made sure Duke looked and smelled good and headed to our meeting spot. When we walked up I experienced the usual first date butterflies, only they were magnified because now in addition to being responsible for myself I had to make sure Duke made a great impression as well. The pressure was palpable.

And then I saw them. An older, slightly pudgy, covered in sand, but otherwise adorable black lab ambled toward us toting a pale, blonde, profusely sweating, man behind him. Duke looked at me quizzically and let out a frustrated sigh. We gazed at each other with mutual disappointment before turning our attention back to our “dates”.
My mind flicked back to the profile, recalling the pictures of the handsome, youngish blonde and his glossy coated black lab who I thought I was meeting. This man in front of me was much more weathered and so was his dog. It was obvious he had posted pictures that were not recent. My guess was at least five years old! Suddenly my less than sexy flip flops were no longer a concern. I tried to stay positive and keep things in perspective. Looks aren’t everything. Based on our email correspondence he had a great personality.

And then he began to talk. I said a silent prayer of thanks to the dating gods that we hadn’t made dinner plans and this was going to have to be one of those short and sweet kind of nights. I tried to keep things light by complimenting Brinkley and DoggieLova4U launched into a 5 minute soliloquy on the importance of bloodlines, papers and Brinkley’s official pure bread status. Great, a dog snob! Apparently the two of them had a close bond and often traveled back to his hometown in upstate Washington to go duck hunting. I feigned interest and asked if he enjoyed eating duck. “Nah” he replied, “I just like to shoot em” Wow! I’m not a PETA member or anything but hunting as sport is definitely not a turn on.

Thankfully, we were close to a bar and DoggieLova4U suggested we continue the conversation over a drink. At this point I could have done without the conversation but the drink was a necessity. We secured the dogs and we were able to find a seat inside with a clear view of the dogs . Poor Duke cried as I walked away and I couldn’t help but wonder how even in the presence of another dog lover I felt like I was neglecting my boy.

As the conversation went on, DoggieLova4U became a little more charming, even sharing a funny story or two. Perhaps it was the third beer talking but I was ALMOST having a good time. Sadly, I had zero physical attraction to him so I decided to call it a night. After the obligatory “thank you I had a great time, we should do it again” hugs, Duke and I got into the car, looked at each other and sighed. DoggieLova4U maybe “4″ someone but he was not “4″ us! He sent me a few emails after the date, but I was able to drop the hint that I hadn’t felt a connection and our story ended, or so I thought…

Several months later I noticed a new message in my POF account from DoggieLova4U. That’s odd I thought, what could he have to say after all of this time?

When I opened the email and began reading my jaw dropped. While I have an extremely accurate memory, often remembering insignificant details for years, I doubted even someone with below average memory could forget an entire evening or person. Unless of course, early Alzheimer’s had set in. Yet here I was reading an email from a man with whom I had spent several hours and he was introducing himself to me as if we’d never met! He even wrote about my “cute dog” inquiring if it was a boy or a girl. Clearly I had left a lasting impression!

Dumbfounded, my bruised ego and I could not help but to respond with a snippy email reminding him that he needed no introduction as we had already been on an actual date! His response was ridiculous. He didn’t apologize. He simply said “I thought that dog looked like Duke, how have you been?”. Thank god for the “Delete all Correspondence” check box….NEXT!!

Suddenly Single, but you can call me “My Lady”...

Dating Diaries 2 Responses »

Nov 172010

Meeting someone online is a bit like being a regular in a bar without the hangover or huge bar tab. There are nights you meet someone fun and laugh your ass off and then there are nights when all you seem to attract are a bunch of weirdos and you have to tell some creep to back off!

Just like in a real bar, when you are online someone has to make the first move. Unlike the bar, the dating site gives you a lot of options: send an email, start an IM conversation, “Wink” which is like flirting, add he or she to your “favorites” hoping they will take the hint and contact you, or check their profile a few times while they are on line – sort of like making eye contact in the real world. The options are endless.

If you decide to make the first move with an email it’s hard to come up with something interesting to say. I find emails that reference the verbiage in my profile rather than my pictures are more appealing. If it’s funny the guy scores even more points. Unfortunately many of the emails that I receive are sort of generic and boring: “You have beautiful eyes” or “I love your smile” or “your dog is cute”. I’m not knocking anyone who sends an email like that- we all have to start somewhere and making the first move can be intimidating. But if you’re opening line is that generic, I’m not going to respond unless your profile is interesting or you’re really cute.

That may make me sound a little like a hardened and slightly jaded veteran of on line dating and I guess at this point I am. In my early days on line I did feel obligated to respond to everyone that took the time to email me. Even if I had zero interest I thought it was polite say “thanks but no thanks.” Rejection is just as uncomfortable online as it offline. It can become very awkward and I started to wonder if I was really doing more harm than good. I asked one of my guy friends, who was also doing the on line thang. His response was so simple, though slightly disturbing as it made me a little cynical and I wondered if any emails I received were actually sincere; “Guys play a numbers game. They reach out to any girl that they are slightly interested in and see what comes back. Chances are they probably don’t even remember emailing you so don’t remind them with rejection!”From then on I have been unapologetically ignoring emails from any man that I am not interested in. It’s quite liberating and simplifies the whole process – I highly recommend it.

I also recommend keeping your first contact email short and sweet. I know, I know, this coming from a woman of often way too many words (ask Rosie who painstakingly edits and cuts hundreds of words from my blogs each week). But seriously, don’t waste your time writing a novel to someone who may not even finish reading it after looking at your profile. Reach out, say something, see if he or she is interested and save the poetic justice for the third or fourth email once you’ve already hooked your fish!

In my time on line I have received several lengthy, first contact emails. There was one in particular from the same guy with a slightly different version only a few months apart. I have to wonder how many times he copied and pasted the email to different women (there’s that cynicism), and if he was ever successful in soliciting a response, (other than back off creep!) let alone a date.

His email started out by saying “I would really love to know so much about you because out of all of the ladies on this site, I have to admit that you are the most attractive lady of all!!” (I’m so sure I’m the only lady that received that line from him). He went on to say that he had never messaged anyone for sex and he didn’t smoke. Always good to know. He wanted to take me to a sushi place and if we “click at dinner” he wanted me to go over to his house and watch a movie from his extensive Blockbuster collection because “we could relax and rest on the sofa and talk as much as we want not worrying about other people telling us to be quiet while they are watching the same movie.” Oddly he seemed to anticipate that he might creep me out…“when I make you feel uncomfortable, you might as well just leave and go back home.” He ended the novel of an email by telling me if I insist that we go to the theatre for a movie there was one conveniently located near his condo. I never did respond to the first or second version of the same enticing offer, but like many things about on line dating, or my life in general, it was and is still good for a laugh!

On that note I leave you with one of the more amusing emails I have received recently. I couldn’t make this stuff up, so trust me it is a real. And if you are wondering, English is not his first language. After laughing my way through this email I checked his profile, he’s a mere 7000 miles away, in Turkey!

Hi sorry for disturbing but I just was passing on your profile and I saw your photos, you know, I couldn’t go without a message. I wanted to say hello to you

you have got so different style. I think this charm from in a fairy tale. Or you must be from family of kings. Like a princess. In my opinion, every man must call you as my lady. did you see your hair, or skin, or have you ever looked at your nose and eyes? they certainly aren’t from here. no no, it can’t be from this earth. maybe they are from angel’s things…wow wow wow… I hope I didn’t disturb you but I’d wish really able to meet you

Naturally I’ve promised to look him up should I ever find myself vacationing in Turkey…

Suddenly Single, Hair Pants and the Futon of Love

Dating Diaries 4 Responses »

Nov 082010

Shit! I screamed every obscenity I could think of and jumped around on one foot clutching my toe in pain. I had just returned from a grueling trip back east for my fathers funeral only to find my living room had been ransacked by my husband who was officially moving out the next day. Sure, I had told him he could have all of the furniture but he had taken it to the extreme; leaving me a futon and a large wooden ottoman that I had just dropped on my big toe! It was all too much. I sat down, put my head in my hands and had a good old fashioned cry.

A few minutes later as I struggled to gain my composure, I found a text from the Armenian confirming tomorrow’s date. He wanted to take me out to dinner and get my mind off the past week. He insisted on picking me up. I had managed to avoid the whole “my husband still lives with me” conversation for the previous five dates always meeting him out but what could I say now? I decided to suck it up, come clean and explain the situation not forgetting to mention that it would likely look like I had been robbed by the time he arrived. He assured me that when a guy really likes a girl something as trivial as furniture doesn’t matter so I reluctantly agreed.

Less than 24 hours later the doorbell rang, I looked around at the dump that was now my home. All of the furniture was gone save the crappy futon that used to live in the spare room now acting as a couch/bed in the living room. My ex even took all of the pictures, though he left the nails in the wall so I had a constant reminder of all I had recently lost. I shook my head in shame, this was my new life and all I could do was move forward. I opened the door and I was greeted by a much more attractive, casually attired Armenian and he was holding the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. I relaxed a bit and smiled, everything was going to be ok.

He was horrified by the state of my home. He mentioned over and over his shock that a “man” would leave a woman this way. At this point I was numb to it all and just ready to get out of the house. Thankfully, he mentioned we were running late for dinner reservations, he had upped the ante taking me to an upscale restaurant in La Jolla. Looking back, I’m sure it was a combination of factors that led to us tearing at each other’s clothes later that evening. It could have been my grief, the large amount of wine, the trauma of my pending divorce or all of the above, but somehow the Armenian was starting to look really good as the date went on.

By the time we arrived back at my place I was beyond buzzed. We stayed in the living room, the only location that had any furniture, and began a long and passionate make-out session. Before long my dog was forcing his way into the action. I’m very close to my dog, some may say too close, but that was pushing it! I took him into the kitchen, closed the baby gate and got back to the Armenian. We’d both had a lot of wine and as we tumbled onto my futon I felt like a college kid minus the bong and wasted friends.

Then for some reason I can’t explain, it felt wrong. I was lying on my back with my head to the side listening to my dog crying and clawing at the kitchen gate. Meanwhile I wasn’t even paying attention to the Armenian or anything he was “doing”. I felt like a woman trapped in a bad marriage, bored by sex with her husband thinking of the groceries she needed to buy rather than someone having sex with a new guy for the first time! My only contribution to the event was consciousness and even that was waning. And then a truly disturbing thought entered my mind; could my recently deceased father see me right now? Please God, let the answer be no!

Thankfully it didn’t last very long. He asked me if I was ok – finally noticing I had “checked out”. “I’m fine” I insisted, “just really tired.” I had no emotion other than the powerful craving to sleep by myself and I just wanted him to leave. Is this what it feels like to be a guy? He got the hint and when he stood up to dress I held in an audible gasp, but my mind was screaming uggghhhh! He literally looked to be wearing a pair of pants made entirely of his own dark, curly hair! Not only was it thick- completely covering his legs- but it abruptly ended at the ankle, like pants or more specifically leggings! WTF!!! I was irrevocably damaged and utterly turned off. I walked him to the door, pecked him good night and released my dog from his kitchen prison. Hairpants was finally gone I only wish he could be as easily forgotten!

Suddenly Single Girl is Suddenly Crazy

Dating Diaries 6 Responses »

Oct 142010

In College, and well into my early twenties, I became very familiar with the perils of drunken dialing…but that was in my past. I’ve grown up. I’m now a professional, successful woman. Unfortunately, at times, I seem to revert to my slightly insane college self. I’ve learned that sometimes you just grow older and not necessarily wiser.

Here’s what happened: I had just been out on a fantastic date with Euro guy. It was one of the best first dates of my life. It was so good, in fact, that it made my pending divorce seem palatable and my outlook on life and love entirely optimistic. Seriously. After the date, Euro Guy and I continued to keep things moving forward, if anything communication increased as did my butterflies. I couldn’t believe the first guy I met was this amazing and seemed to be so into me as well. He even drove met me out of town the very next night when I had to travel on business. I was on top of the world, floating through the next day, unable to keep a smile from my face, not realizing disaster loomed around the corner…

I must have been on an infatuation high because the night after he left I joined a coworker for a drink that quickly led to several and the reappearance of my insane college self. I will take full liberties here and blame everything that happened on the deadly amount and variety of drink. I started with tropical fruity drinks, dabbled in dark beer and ended with vodka martinis. I was a hot mess.

Unfortunately, early in the evening, while still only slightly buzzed, I had sent EuroGuy a message via Blackberry Messenger, and then I put my phone away during all of the drinking mayhem. By 11:30pm, I was thoroughly inebriated and suddenly felt panicked; something was missing…frantically I searched through my purse for my phone anticipating a sweet response or maybe even several – he must be wondering where I’ve been all this time.

Nope, what I found was the taunting “R” next to my message – this meant not only had it been delivered but he had read it. Try and put yourself into my crazy, still healing from a failed marriage, infatuated bordering on obsessed, and utterly drunken mind frame. Take a minute and think about it again…yea you know I did it. I sent some crazy bitch out of hell, slurring, fuming, completely inappropriate message about being ignored, not appreciating it and other random and equally catastrophic phrases. Exhausted, but proud of my ability to express myself so articulately, I passed out clutching my phone and drooling into my hotel pillow.

I woke at 3am and saw the red message light blinking. He actually responded! He had been at dinner with his mother who was visiting from out of town and said we would chat tomorrow- when I was sober! Instead of taking his subtle hint to stop drunk texting, I pressed on. I sent another message, profusely apologizing and trying to make up for the crazy with even more crazy and waited for his response. Crickets…no matter, I soon passed out again.

When I woke to a pounding headache and a pit in my stomach I wasn’t sure what was worse; the hangover or the memory of what I had done. I was embarrassed, ashamed and pretty sure that I had blown it. The next day I received two very short, very curt, messages. “I don’t do drama” he said. “I’ve been through too much in the past few years with my ex” “let’s cool off for a bit. I’m going out of town anyway; I’ll talk to you when I get back.”

A week went by. Naturally I berated myself a little more with each day that passed. I knew he was back from his trip but I still hadn’t heard from him. Friends told me to leave it that way; it was “for the best” they insisted. Well, listen. I am not quitter. I started hatching a plan to accidently bump into him. The opportunity came like a gift from God. A client just happened to suggest I meet her at one of his favorite bars downtown which was across the street from his condo.

I drafted a lame email saying I hoped he was well and explained I would be there with a client just so he knew I wasn’t stalking him. I showed my friend at the office and she scoffed. “Didn’t you say he loved your humor and you made him laugh?”

“Yea, he did seem to get my sometimes off the wall sense of humor…”

“Here’s your chance, let’s make this so funny he can’t help but laugh and maybe even give you another shot”

Desperation will do funny things to your judgment. The following is the actual verbiage from my email, thankfully one of my best friends had saved it for posterity and of course future laughs at my expense. And no I wasn’t drunk when I wrote this although reading it back I should probably claim to have been!

Side note; remember he was European, we had a discussion about American woman’s grooming habits and he explained his preference for the more natural. That will explain some of the comments below:

Hey there –

I thought I would let you know that I’m meeting a customer for drinks at Fleetwood this evening. If we happened to bump into each other I didn’t want you to start the paper work on a restraining order and move my status up to DEFCON 3!

DEFCON 5 – Meet an amazing girl on Plenty of Fish

DEFCON 4 – Amazing girl sends a crazy drunk text

DEFCON 3 – Amazing crazy texting girl is caught with binoculars watching at you from bar across the street

DEFCON 2 – Amazing crazy texting stalker girl is holding a candle light vigil in front of the stadium during a home game vowing not to shave…

DEFCON 1 – Amazing crazy drunk texting stalker hairy girl is running naked in your apartment lobby screaming ‘I want to have your baby’.

He responded in less than two minutes. This time that was not a good sign.

“I’m on my way up to LA”

And so it ended. Tail between my legs I retreated and I never saw or heard from EuroGuy again…can you blame him? Perhaps I wasn’t as ready for dating as I thought…

Suddenly Single Girl, Euro Guy and the Invevitable Disaster

Dating Diaries, New and Features 7 Responses »

Oct 062010

Ahh, nothing is more addictive than the Blackberry message notification. I spring into action at the sound, instantly locating my phone. This time I was glad I did. ”Euro_Guy has added you to his favorites”. Hmmm. EuroGuy, that sounds promising. I logged into my Plenty Of Fish account to check out his profile.

Euro_Guy

City: San Diego

Sign: Capricorn

Ethnicity: European

Height: 6’ 1

Body Type: Athletic

Age: 33

Religion: Non-Religious

Not bad at all. He’s a dog lover, he likes wine and he’s good looking: dark wavy hair and a cute smile. I sent him a message, complimenting one of his pictures. Within two minutes, (surely, a good sign), I received a “Hey I’m out at a volleyball game – send me your email address. Would love to learn more about you”. Wow he wasn’t wasting any time. Ok I’m in.

By the next morning I know he is Italian and French, his parents met when they were 17 and are still madly in love, both of them are doctors and he has a degree in Law but doesn’t practice. He owns his own business and lives in a high-rise downtown. . He’s intelligent and witty with a silly side which is a must for me. He’s a sucker for blondes (lucky me), is intrigued by my profile (really? after that background) and likes my sense of humor. After about 25 emails, he told me the conversation was moving too slow so he introduced me to, Blackberry Messenger, which would later be my drunken downfall. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Back to the good part…by the end of the day, we agreed to meet in person and see if the chemistry would continue.

At this point, though separated for 5 months, I was still living with my ex-husband. We were more like two strangers forced to live together. We could hardly even be called roommates as we barely spoke to each other. I worried that Euro Guy might be a little put off by my living arrangement. I decided to be completely honest with him. Most men would be scared off, but he still wanted to meet.

A few hours before the date, I was having my ritual nervous breakdown when I received a text from him. “I’ll meet you in the lobby, I’ll be the one in the half unbuttoned pink shirt and gold chains tangled in my wild chest hair” I love a man who can make me laugh; this will be fun if nothing else!

We met at Jacks in La Jolla for a drink. It has the perfect casual atmosphere and of course the alcohol that would calm my nerves. A sweaty palm, nervous stomach, twenty minute ride later I maneuvered the street in my new heels, legs shaking trying to appear calm as I made my way to the lobby. When he walked in we locked eyes, exchanged a quick hug hello and he led me to the bar. I couldn’t tell from his face if he was pleased or disappointed by how I looked so I hoped for the best. I thought he was cute, looked like his photos but a little thin for my taste. I figured I was probably a little thick for his taste so it was a wash.

We sat down at the bar and he told me I looked really pretty and that pink was a great color on me. Finally I relaxed a little. In one smooth motion he grabbed the bartender’s attention and prompted me to give my order, clearly this wasn’t his first date in ages… We began to chat casually, picking up where our texts left off. I was new at dating but so far this seemed to be going really well…almost too well…but I ignored the nagging “too good to be true” feeling, smiled and ordered a second drink.

After the second round of drinks, we headed down to the beach to watch the sunset. He took the beach chairs he had packed out of the car; I shook my head smiling, impressed with his boy scout like preparation. We sat down close to each other continuing to talk, laugh and connect. As if on cue, he leaned in for our first kiss just as the sun dipped beyond the horizon.

Shortly after the sun went down he drove me back to my car and parked. A high school like mack session ensued. I was elated; if this is dating in your thirties, sign me up! As I was getting out of the car he handed me a small paper bag, “It’s a cupcake for your dog – don’t worry it’s made for dogs.” Then he flashed a cocky grin and said with a wink, “Now go home to your husband, and drive safe!” Things were going great. One of us was bound to mess it up; I feared it would probably be me…

Suddenly Single Girl Considers 'Afternoon Delight'

Dating Diaries, New and Features 4 Responses »

Sep 132010

Its insane how quickly the sharks start to circle. Literally a few moments after clicking save on Ok Cupid, I started receiving instant messages. New windows were popping up all over the place! At first, I was excited, then nervous, then slightly skived out. After reading a few of the messages, I realized that men generally behave the same as they do offline. They have no filter, no shame and often times nothing to lose so they put it all out there! Still, I breathed a sigh of relief knowing at least one of my photos was appealing…

I was a bit shocked at all of the attention I was suddenly receiving. After talking to a few friends, veterans of the on line world, I was told to enjoy my new found popularity as it would surely not last. “You’re fresh meat” they said. “New to the site, popping up on everybody’s radar. This is primetime so make the most of it before you are old news like the rest of us!”

So, humbled and a little nervous, I began cautiously. Like a turtle peeking out of her shell I intermittently engaged in some Instant Messaging just to try it on for size and see how it felt. My first few efforts were mild, slightly boring, basic conversations. However, from those early days and all of the various “conversations” there a few that stand out as “special”;

Of Course You Want A Baby

Ted12: Hey there, I love your smile…

RobynE: Thanks…nice motorcycle!

Imagine several more exchanges, mostly lame, introductory type questions, what do you do for a living, where are you from etc…

Ted12: Separated huh? Bummer…have any children?

RobynE: Only the one with 4 legs..

Ted12: So you looking to settle down soon then, start a family?

RobynE: Actually I’m enjoying my life as it is, I’m not sure if I want to have kids

Ted12: That’s ridiculous! Of course you want a baby! You’re a woman in your thirties…

Nothing is more unattractive than a stranger telling me what I want especially after following the crowd (“needing” to get married) had worked out so well! Thank god for the little x in the chat window…NEXT!

Show me Your Legs

One night while perusing the site an interesting guy started messaging me. We chatted back and forth with some amusing and witty banter. During our conversation we discovered we were both new to the scene and upon his suggestion, we decided to offer each other some honest and friendly critiques of our profile photos. Figuring I had nothing to lose I decided to be brutally honest.

RobynE: Ok you wanted my opinion…the third photo, the one where you have on the red dorky dad shorts – it ages you about ten years…lose it now!

RedCar2: Wow – thanks – it’s gone! Ok you ready?

RobynE: think so…shoot?

RedCar2: You have a cute face, nice smile but all of your pictures end at your waist! We like to see your legs otherwise we’re wondering what you’re hiding!

RobynE: Like am I rocking a wheelchair or sporting cankles?

RedCar2: um…does it matter? Either way we want to see the whole package…

I started scanning my photos for a flattering full body shot. Easier said than done but his input was appreciated!

IM Stalker

MMGuy: Hey cutie, what’s up?

RobynE: Not much, how are you?

He had a cute head shot. But as a rule, I checked the profile before carrying this conversation too far. There has to be some level of interest and compatibility. Oh, no. He was below the line. According to his profile he’s 5’6 – I Immediately subtracted two inches as men tend to exaggerate their height. I sound like a shallow bitch but we all have preferences. Imagine all of the guys that won’t date me because I’m not a size 4. I don’t hold it against them, it’s a preference. Personal stats are part of the profile for a reason- They allow people to filter. As a woman who is 5’4 but generally stands 5’7 to 5’9 depending on my choice in shoes that day, I simply cannot entertain dating a man who’s profile shows under 5 10’. Here’s where I probably made my mistake, not wanting to say “you’re cute but too short” I said I was on my way out and promptly logged off. When I logged in a few hours later he messaged “I thought you were going out”. Wow . Now I’m catching heat from a stranger? WTF!

Maybe it’s my remedial skills when it comes to the site or perhaps that I just don’t care enough to be a virtual stalker. To this day I still don’t know how this guy knows the instant I log on to Ok Cupid but he does. In all seriousness he has continued to Instant Message me over the past year and in many cases forced me to log off early simply to avoid his messages.

Afternoon Delight…

Like every bit of this and my other posts, I swear this story is true. Only names have and will be changed to protect the innocent. One day, while at work, apologies to any boss’ that may read this, a cute guy started chatting with me. Right away he was super flirty and I admit his boldness was fun and a bit refreshing. Who doesn’t like that type of attention, even it was from a stranger? Everything was casual and light for a bit until….

Surfer777: So your work schedule, is it flexible?

RobynE: How do you mean?

Surfer777: For instance if you wanted to take a long lunch, could you get away for a bit??

RobynE: Probably but I’m not sure a date during the work day is the best way to meet…I prefer to have a least one drink

Surfer777: Here’s the thing, I’m not looking for a girlfriend, you’re just getting out of a marriage, we are two attractive adults. Why not get into something a little more casual. Of course only if we are still attracted to each other upon meeting. It could be fun and mutually beneficial!

Ok what?? Wait a minute. Did this just go from innocent flirting to a complete stranger asking me for a regularly scheduled nooner? Oddly I felt a thrill, though I knew I would never actually entertain this idea. I wasn’t angry, more baffled that people really acted like this – my life suddenly felt a bit like a movie and if I kept going down this path it could get x rated! I definitely wasn’t ready for that, so I politely declined his offer. He was persistent, though. He continued to contact me whenever we were both on line for the next six months or so. Each time, he would always go back to the “arrangement” that would be good for both of us. I’m more of a traditional girl. You have to wine me and dine me before you well…you know! So we never did “do lunch” and my quest for someone that I liked enough to actually meet in person continued.

Suddenly Single Female Makes Her online Dating Debut

Dating Diaries, New and Features 4 Responses »

Sep 082010

So, Speed dating was a failure.

Sure, I had made contact with some actual men, but it had been a blow to my ego. I knew that I had to continue dating and most likely it was going to be a quantity over quality situation. But how would I meet them? I took a quick inventory of my life and realized I wasn’t strategically positioned to meet new people. A lot of people meet at work. But I had worked in the same small office for the last seven years and I didn’t want to mix business with pleasure. Besides, there wasn’t a single attractive guy on the premises. I could ask one of my friends to set me up, but that often proved to be disastrous. I reviewed my routine to see if I was missing any potential dates. I hadn’t noticed anyone at the grocery store. The gym was out. Starbucks wouldn’t work: I’m usually half dazed, mumbling my yuppie order (Venti Soy Caramel Macchiato upside down), trying to hold off the junkie shakes while I wait anxiously for the barista to call my name. What’s a girl to do but suck it up, bite the bullet and get online like everybody else!
I knew right away I didn’t want to go too big or get too serious and actually pay for Online Dating. So Match was out, as was E Harmony. After talking to a few friends I decided to join the aptly named, Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid. It’s free to join and relatively easy to navigate. Each site requires users to build profiles. Think of the pain involved in drafting your resume, now magnify that by ten as you are basically creating your dating resume and trying to stand out among thousands of other profiles and convince someone you are worth their time! It’s a tricky, fine line between being too modest, or over the top bragging about yourself. No one wants to appear boring but exaggerating or lying about your lifestyle could potentially come back to haunt you later. The profile process varies among sites, but they’re all quite painful.
Ok Cupid asks specific questions that help build your profile:
List three words that describe you (Silly, Sarcastic, fun),
I’m really good at (turning a sunburn into a tan without peeling),
The most private thing I’m willing to admit (We are the World is in my IPod Playlist).
POF (Plenty of Fish) allows for more free form space to write about who you are and what you are looking for. This may sound appealing, but it’s more of a challenge. Either way, you’re forced to confront who you really are and how you appear to those around you. There are the basic stats: your gender, age, (ladies be aware, in my experience most guys tend to add an inch or two here), religious affiliation, occupation, salary, height and body type. Body Type has to be my favorite, especially with options such as thin, athletic, average or a few extra pounds. I mean seriously, who doesn’t have a few extra pounds these days? Honesty is not the best policy here. Guys will read it as if they are being set up with someone that is described as “having a great personality” aka Fat Ass! I decided to go with average. America is full of chunky monkeys (the way I currently saw myself) so technically I figured that was the most accurate description!

Ok so the verbiage was down. Now it was time for the photos. Clearly, this is the most important part. Personality goes a long way in sustaining a relationship, but we all know that physical attraction that first step in bringing people together. It’s really like meeting someone in an online bar- people are drawn to each other for their looks first. Online daters are literally scrolling through thousands of profiles and likely have the attention span of a two year old. They won’t even bother with the profile if they don’t like the picture.
Thankfully, most sites allow users to post multiple pictures; I highly recommend posting at least four. That way you can show that you’re capable of taking more than one good picture. The problem is choosing the acceptable time period for a picture. For example, I have a bridesmaid picture in which my hair looks perfect. My makeup is impeccable. My body is almost toned but it was from 3 years ago. So do I use it, or is that “lying”? I had heard the nightmare stories of people who meet online, are mutually attracted to each other and then show up for the first date only to find that the person they were meeting had posted pictures from the last decade. The resemblance between the photos and the person on the date is much like their older, uglier cousin. After several debilitating minutes of waging war with myself, I opted for a variety –the cute wedding photo and some more recent stuff.
The only thing left to do was hit save and literally put myself out there. Deep breath, fingers crossed, I clicked save and waited for the next phase of my single life to begin

Online Dating... I'm thinking about it.

Dating Diaries, New and Features 2 Responses »

Sep 082010

T can’t stop pacing. He’s just broken up with his girlfriend and realizes, after months of pushing her away, he doesn’t want to be alone. He’s trying to decide how the hell he’s going to manage his dating life and after witnessing me systematically shut down a series of dating opportunities, he has decided that I need to do something as well.

“Maybe we should get out more.” I suggest.

“Are you joking me?” He stops pacing and looks at me like I’m stupid. T is a DJ and a bartender. Getting out is definitely not his problem. He stops pacing. “We need to get online.”

I roll my eyes. We’ve been down this road before. It has always turned out to be, as we like to say on Sugarberry, a shit show. I have mixed feelings about online dating. Is there true romance in online dating? What about the moment? Do people still have moments? Doesn’t anyone meet cute anymore?

But T is pressing on. He’s already created a profile on Match.com and has found a few interesting prospects, but now he has a dilemma. “I found one girl. I want to reach out to her, but once you do that, everyone on Match can see if you’ve peeped their profile. I’m not sure if I want to do that. I don’t want to be public”. He starts pacing again.

But isn’t that the nature of online dating? Even with all the blurbs about privacy, aren’t you putting all your business out there? What are the rules? What if people from work find out you’reon Match? I shudder as I think about the Silent Gross guy in the next office suite. He is always giving me the eye. I bet he’s on Match.

“Isn’t online dating for losers who can’t find dates?” I know this isn’t true, but I’m annoyed.

“Dude (T calls everyone Dude) everyone is on an online dating site.”

Well. Not everyone. I can’t even bring myself to browse. It seems so cold. If I’m meant to be with someone, won’t the cosmos make it happen? Besides, I’m not sure if I’m ready to start dating. I mean there’s laundry to do, books to read, closets to organize… But then, I aint getting any younger. I thought of that smug and annoying Match. com commercial: one in five relationships starts online. Maybe it’s not about the magic. Maybe it’s a numbers game. If so, I am screwed. I decide to leave T to his pacing and hit up an expert.

For as long as I’ve known her, Stephanie always seemed more sophisticated, better equipped, and certainly more than capable of getting the guy than any of us, so I was a bit shocked when she told me she met her boyfriend on Match. But Stephanie has a very practical outlook on dating. She scoffed when I mentioned my concerns about the lack of a spark and the potential safety risks. “Listen,” she said. “I met more pricks offline.” She doesn’t think she would have met Ethan, if it hadn’t been for Match. They lived down the street from each other, had mutual acquaintances, but they never met. She was about to let her Match subscription run out when Ethan contacted her. He was the last guy she went out with. She was the first girl he contacted on Match. They were married last spring. Aww, c’mon. If they were really meant to be, wouldn’t it have happened sooner or later?

She sighed. “Online dating is just more efficient. You weed out the assholes before you meet them. And yes, it is a numbers game. But you have a better chance of meeting someone online than you do in a bar. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least you got to have a drink. I’m sure you can sit long enough to have one cocktail.”

“Hmm. You may be right.”

“Of course, I’m right”.

And she had a solid set of rules to back her up:

1. Read the profile carefully- Don’t be fooled by the profile pictures. Examine the profile to ensure they’re not jobless, mama’s boys, or psychos.

2. Meet as soon as possible: people make is that they get into this email relationship which makes it hard to ditch them if you find that you don’t like them once you meet.

3. Always have alcohol. It makes a bad date bearable.

4. Women should always pick the place. Go some place familiar. It’s safe and it’s less personal. Think of the bar like an office.

I carefully considered her rules. Especially number 3. I can always use a good martini. Stephanie reasons “Hey. It can’t hurt. Besides, it not like you’re doing anything.” Thanks, Stephanie. I’ll think about it.

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LIFE ON SUGARBERRY

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Suddenly Single Girl Considers 'Afternoon Delight'

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Online Dating... I'm thinking about it.

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